what

i need a new way to vent out my sadness and anger and stuff because i refuse to use this anymore

love, clarity, happiness, success, patience(maybe)

i didnt think it was possible to love someone and hate someone so much at the same time

i feel so fucking broken

this is the second time i’ve been cheated on its so annoying like i’m the fucking nicest person ever

being cheated on makes you feel like you’re not worth it, that you’re ugly, that you have to try 2000 times harder to impress who you’re with, you’re stupid, there is always someone better than you, etc. 

idk as stupid as it sounds, i feel like i kind of finally got my round of karma. 

before mario, i talked to another tumblr user and i thought i liked him a lot and we made plans for me to fly out to him and i was gonna stay with him but it all happened so fast and he told his mom about me and everything. i didn’t want to do it anymore, so i told him that and i literally broke his heart like im such an asshole and i feel awful about it everyday. to this day, he still occasionally texts me things like ‘i’ll always love you’ ‘i’m going to marry you one day’ and it makes me sad because i was so scared that would happen to me and what do you know… look what happened. 

anyways, back to mario, we talked about it and everything and i told him how fucking mad i was and how disgusted i was and how i dont trust him in the least anymore and he was crying and stuff and he felt horrible. but i dont know, i dont fucking trust him at all and he lives in New York and i live in California so if we dont have trust, we have nothing. He promised he’d never let it happen again and that he loves me so much and he doesnt want to risk losing what we have and stuff but i dont know we still have 4 months until i move over there, which is basically around the same amount of time we’ve been talking so like idk are you sure you can fucking hold back your urges for that long. and i’m so stupidly in love so i know i’m going to forgive him because i know he loves me more than anything even though he fucking did that. he was drunk and the guy was straight and all they really did was drunkenly fall asleep together and cuddle and fucking felt each other up (it makes me sick to think about it) so i dont know. 

and idk, the worst part is i fucking talked to this piece of shit named comet and he promised he’d take care of mario for me, and yet he fucking did this to me like wow really you fucking suck. 

i feel so sick honestly i havent been this sad in so long

mario cheated on me last night

today is a v emotional day and i miss mario more than usual. 

i remember when i went to new york, like i already trusted him and liked him more than anyone i’ve ever met within the third day of being there. we went to a rave and i was kind of nervous because it was my first rave but he invited a lot of his friends because he really wanted them to meet me and stuff and he kept telling them how i flew 3k miles to meet him and how cute i was and how happy he was and idk it was actually perfect. but like, he’s so cute and it was my first time doing ecstasy and i was kind of nervous, but like i said, i trusted him a lot so he and i both rolled. and the rest of the night felt like heaven tbh, i really liked dancing with him even though he couldn’t really dance that much bc his legs gave out so it ended with him sitting down for a majority of it and me giving him a 3 hour lap dance (gotta love drugs, right?). and idk i really just want to dance with him and stuff. 

my computer is a lil bitch

it synched my phone and itself so that i can text from my computer and by doing so, it saved my texting conversation with mario to my computer and it was at the very beginning of when we started talking and i’m going through it and awwwww holy fuck its amazing how different things are now. like in the beginning, i really didn’t want anything bc long distance is so hard and i was so mean to him and would reply with one word answers and he would try so hard like thank god he did or else we wouldnt be what we are today. 

he sent me cute shit like that all of the time and i always thought it was cute but i never really took it seriously or anything but idk its so weird how things change because now i’m soooooo nice and gay towards him now like i’d never respond with one word answers or anything. 

shit is too real today.

out of sight, out of mind.